Im dying, he killed me
by BrookenRachel
Summary: Brooke Davis has always had bad luck with guys. But this takes the cake, shes dying and its all his fault Literally.
1. Lesbian

**AN: I don't own anything, this story is completely fictional.**

**I hope you all enjoy, please review, hopefully the story's not to bad. :)**

It's surprising that im not a lesbian. I mean I have heard of women like me just totally

swearing off men. After they have been hurt betrayed and cheated on one to many times. But

what can I say I like guys always have and will tell the day that I die. But considering im dying

and I have a short time left its really nothing to brag about. The funny thing is, is that im dying

because of a man, literally. Im not some emotionally unstable person who is going to commit

suicide, im not Anna Nicole Smith and dying of a broken heart. Im Brooke Davis have been for

the 33 years of my life that I have had the privilege of living. Which means that I obviously have

never been married. I've never trusted a guy enough to marry him, never loved a guy enough

either. Well that's a lie, there was one boy but he broke my heart and my trust and I was never

able to completely forgive him or get over what happened. Maybe its because after he betrayed

me it seems like every other boy did also. Like they were all domino's falling with the trend.

There was Lucas cheating, Felix writing dyke on my best friends (well at least at the time)

locker, then there was Nick but he cheated also. Then there was Chase I thought he was gonna be

a good one but I was so wrong. I would have never imagined that the "clean teen" would literally

destroy my life. But the funny (what a horrible word) thing is, is that most of my major heart

ache happened over the time period of 2 years. Of course I had my flings before and after my

many heartaches of junior and senior year. But those 4 guys were at the time my world, and I

gave my whole heart and they really never gave anything back. I first kissed a boy when I was 4

years old, had my first boyfriend when I was 8, had my first make-out session when I was 12, lost

my virginity at the ripe old age of 14, was raped at 15 and completely heartbroken at 16,17 and

18. Once again when I think about my history with boys it truly is amazing im not a lesbian, ha I

could never be one.

Im dying, and of course that effects me so much but what's worse is that I could be a murderer. I may just be responsible for many lives. But hell im not gonna think about it anymore, I wont be around much longer.

I will never be a mother

I will never be a wife

I will never have another boyfriend because all they want is sex and I cant offer htem that anymore.

I will not see the next year.

Im dying


	2. Selfish

**AN: I don't own anything, this story is fictional. The roots created by Mark Schwahn so if anyone gets credit its him. **

**Thank you for the reviews, I wasn't sure if anyone was gonna like it so I wasn't planning on continuing. Please review you don't even have to be logged in now ;) ,lol. Im really surprised no one has figured it out yet, it makes me laugh because I thought that everyone would know since I threw in a few hints so if you guys would like to take guesses I might say Yay or nay. Im planning for this to be Brucas fanfic, but they won't over power the story, so if you don't like Brucas don't worry it shouldn't be to over powering :) this story is focused on Brooke the other characters from one tree hill will play a parts im not sure how big though. But you can for sure look forward to Lucas, Rachel, Nathan and Haley. Most of this story is from Brooke's POV, when its not I will let you know. ENJOY **

I keep repeating those two words in my head. Thinking it's not real, it's all a dream. But its not, I've known for awhile. I knew I was sick, I knew I would die. We all die, the only special or different thing about it is how old you are, was it slow or fast, painful or painless little details like that. But if you think about it those details aren't so little they can be the difference of living 8 years or 88. Or in my case 33, the number 33 represents love and marriage, nurturing and successful, devotion, kind and stable. When I think about it, it seems like a bunch of shit im 33 and none of this stuff is happening to me. But then I think of the last meaning of the number 33 which is "champion of the underdog". What a bunch of bull, if this number really means that then why am I dying. I would consider myself the underdog, I have a disease, why isn't it curable, why isn't the treatment slowing it down or something. I hate this number, I hate it.

God Im being selfish and I know it. Things could have gone worse for me. I shouldn't want people to feel sorry for me I usually don't but sometimes if some guy is being a dick or women a bitch I will let them know that they shouldn't worry they won't have to deal with me much longer. I know this sounds horrible but the satisfaction when I see there face is worth it. But don't worry im not so self centered and needy that I go around saying it to anybody who will listen but I don't hide it. Sometimes I get the "im so sorry" response but that's about all they say. I can't blame them what do you say when someone tells you there dying "my condolences". I had someone in my office say that to me one time. I screamed at them "Im not dead yet". Then there are others who have got this green look on there face like there gonna be sick, why should they be sick there not the ones dying. Its not even a sweet thing either, it's a "oh my god I just made contact with a sick/dying person let me go wash my hands and never look back". I've lost many a friends because of this disease. But oh well, I figure the more people I scare away the smaller the church can be for my funeral, because if I had everyone who had met me and loved me (wink wink) we would need a church the size of Donald Trump's house. What just because im dying does not mean that I still don't have a since of humor. I am Brooke Davis, you shouldn't expect anything less.

When I was a teenager I used to think that I would die when I was like in my 70's or 80's. I would be a widow, a rich widow. Would have found myself some young hot twenty something year old to satisfy my needs. Because hopefully I wont be to old, wrinkly, crippled, and un attractive that no one would have sex with me. Then my final minutes would be having sex and I would have like a heart attack or stroke or something and just bam I was dead. I guess that would suck for the hot guy but what would I have cared I would be dead. That would have been my dream way to go out. Not your traditional, "I hope I die in my sleep" nonsense. How boring is that, I mean im going to be trapped in a box for eternity I sure as hell don't want to go out the same way im going to be forever. I want to leave the world the same way I came in, kicking and screaming.

I remember a quote I read one time

"There will be two dates on your tombstone, everyone will read them but the only thing that matters, is the little dash in-between."

Now that I think about, I've decided to live my life as much as possible before I leave this earth. So my mission is to grace as many people with my presence, make some sort of impact, say goodbye to forgotten and lost friends. But most importantly have fun(well as much as possible).

But I also know that Im gonna get weaker and weaker and things are not gonna be fun no matter how much they should be it wont be because the fact of the matter still is the same.

Im dying

" **youre not gonna live forever. Youre gonna die. Were all gonna die. Me. Her. You. Youre dying right now. Right this minute. Right this second. See there? That second passed. Its gone. Not gonna come again. And while Im talking to you, every second Im talking, a second is passing. Gone. Count them up. Count them down. Theyre gone. Each one bringing you closer to your death." **


	3. Stupid Parents and People Magazine

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, credit mark Schwahn**

**AN: Im sorry for not updating on Friday like I said I would things have been hectic and since its memorial weekend we had to go put flowers on everyone's graves and I was in charge of the watching the kids and let me tell you its not fun watching 10 little little kids and have to run after them at a cemetery. But it is a three day weekend so if things stay calm then hopefully I will be able to update again before its over. Thank you again to my readers and reviewers, it means bunches. I hope you enjoy this chapter, its short though so sorry about that. 4 days until one tree hill , Yay!!! This chapter is mostly about Brooke's thoughts on her parents. **

**"When I die, bury me face down so the world can kiss my a." **

My favorite magazine of all time is people magazine. No matter how old I get I still love to catch up on all the celebrity gossip. Its one of my favorite pass times, I love getting my magazine in the mail once a week. I have a year subscription to keep me in supply. That way if im to busy to get to a magazine stand to buy it, its there. So whenever im tired or have had a bad day I go to my magazine. It sounds pathetic but im not that close to anybody here in New York. I don't trust people that easily as most know. Ever since I left tree hill when I turned 18 I just never really looked back to most of my old friends and family. I've talked to some on the phone, Rachel has come to New York a few times to visit but Lucas, Nathan, Peyton and Haley I have only kept in contact with through brief emails and short phone conversations. But back to the subject of my magazine. I've been getting reminders in the mail about "not forgetting to renew my subscription", I ignore them I mean there is no point of renewing it. Im not sure why they have sent these reminders out so early I mean I have almost 8 months left before the new year. I guess they just want to annoy you enough that you just give in to spending another $100 for a year subscription. Today the lady who's job is to call and talk to People's subscribers about there situation with there subscription (what a fun job...NOT) called me and was telling me about the offer they had to long term subscribers that if I signed up for one more year I would get the next for free, I should have said no but there were a few reasons I told her to sign me up. One is that if im still here for awhile in the new year even if I am dying I wouldn't want to miss a issue and two who knows if anyone will ever visit my grave so im going to write it in my will or somewhere that I want them to forward my magazines to the church to my grave. Who knows maybe my ghost will want to here about Britney Spears having her 10th child and how Lindsey Lohan was unfortunately killed in a crash involving the paparazzi. Then once a week when the ground keepers mow the lawn and pick up the dead flowers that others have left for there loved ones then they can pick up my magazine so it does not get disgusting and yucky. So check one on insuring that my after life is not total crap is complete. Now hopefully I can check off a few more things before I die.

I think about the people who's graves and tombstones will surround mine, how on memorial day and Christmas, and other special holidays and birthdays, the grave sites will be scattered with flowers and other things. But will anyone ever put flowers on mine. Im not talking about the first week or even month when the grieving is still fresh im talking about later on, will people remember that April 24th is my birthday, that I like Daisy's and white roses. Will I be forgotten, another tomb stone that you can't read because the moss is growing in the etched out places where my name and birth and death date is. Will there be bird shit on my tombstone, weeds growing around it, the vase like object that goes into the hole by the tombstone where flowers are to be placed will it ever be used or will it be stuck launched in there with no one who ever tried to pull it out and place even one beautiful flower into it.

I wonder if my parents will cry when they find out. I hope so I hope they feel guilty as hell, I hope my mother screams out in grief for the fact that she lost her only child, her little girl. I hope my father curses and asks god why, why his princess was taken away from him. I hope they will be shocked and saddened, realize how horrible of parents they were and that is why they never knew that there little girl was sick, dying. They will feel horrible that they have not seen since the summer before my senior year. They have not fucking seen or talked to me for 16 years. I want them to realize that even though they threw money at me and I took it, it wasn't because I was grateful. It was because I was angry, I was furious that they thought that they could throw money at me and I would disappear. So I took the money and I spent it on stupid meaningless things. Because I was meaningless to them, and the money was meaningless to me. But im not one of these people who would send the money back to try and "make a point". Just like I have been engaged 3 times and each time when things end I don't give back the ring, it was a gift that I deserve and even if I didn't it was still a gift and like hell if I give it back. But I know that when the are contacted they will on some level be saddened, if they aren't on a trip or cruise they will attend the funeral. Mother will probably bring eye drops just incase she doesn't cry the proper amount of tears she should be crying at her daughters funeral. Because in the end that is what the most important thing will be about, it will be about keeping up appearances for there friends who will attend because it's the proper thing to do and to show my friends that they weren't as bad as I described them and im just some over dramatic bitch. I will be buried in New York and they live in California so they will never visit, there will never be one of those flower bouquets spelling out daughter.

What sickens me most is that the tombstone will probably read beloved daughter.

Beloved daughter my ass, once again it will be for appearances. The stone won't even read friend because none will be there to let them know that I have friends. It won't read mother because I never had a chance to have a baby and the one's I conceived were lost, one way or another.

Sometimes I have dreams about my life would have been like if I had not made the choices I did in high school. They always come to the same conclusion if only I had made better choices I wouldn't be here, dying. But I did what I did and its done.

Does anyone care?

Im dying.

**"Death must be great, because no one has come back from it" **

**If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.**


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